Bump in My Road

I've run into a snag which seems to be unrelated to my surgery recovery. You may remember my dealing with PMR (polymyalgia rhumatica). It is a self limiting condition that seems to come out of nowhere. It hit me last January and continued until I would wean myself off prednisone in November. My surgeon said it is a "squirrely" malady and can show it's face again with surgery. It seems to have done so. The treatment for it is not appropriate right now because it would inhibit bone regrowth. So for now I'm dealing with some new (returned) pain in the large joints of shoulders, hips and knees. PMR goes away of it's own accord when it wants to. I'm sure many of you remember my words about it as I approached surgery. So for now this is my roadblock and limits my flexibility. I would appreciate your prayers for this.

All in all I am coming along well. There is much I can do for myself - dress & shower (takes about an hour), fix a sandwich, walk outside etc. I have to smile when I drop something on the floor because it is totally lost then. I have a "grabber stick" which allows me to pick up most lightweight and grabbable things. They told me I would have to figure new ways to do things and they were so right.

I am looking forward to the 1st post op visit next Monday. I will get to see an xray and see the paraphernalia in my back and also how the graft is coming along. If possible I'll try to include it in a post. I will most likely begin PT after this visit. I have no idea what that will be.

Thank you ALL for your interest and wanting more blogging. It's getting pretty mundane now isn't it. I'm still trekking up Mt Everest. I'm slow :(

CHOOSING GRATITUDE

Having been limited in my outings (none) and things to do with myself these 5 weeks, I have had a lot of time to ponder what I am grateful for. OH MY GOODNESS there is so much. It is not just with the surgery but extends to many corners of my life. I am trying in this new year to daily list at least 5 things I am grateful for using this gratitude journal. It definitely causes one to look at the events of the day and life with optimism and happiness.

Today I'm looking at the list of things I prayed for as well as many of you as well as I went into surgery. God loves us to reflect and look behind us to how He has been there with us through times that are new,uncertain, hard and even frightening.

Prayer Requests for My Surgery - Posted Dec 15, 2008

- That I won’t fall. My balance will be totally different.
My balance has been so different. Before I would catch myself listing and have to hold onto something. So different now.

- Peace through recovery.
I have been given this. I may be impatient but not frightened. Each day has given me a little more strength and ability.... what a peace booster this is.

- That God would show His power in Doug’s and my lives
He has done this for us. We have felt His strength as each day we faced new demands requiring new patience. It has been evident that He has been in the mix with us.

- Strength & perseverance for Doug and Carissa as they care for me
I am amazed at these 2. They have cared for me with smiles overlaid with sacrificial giving of themselves. It has been demanding and not easy but never have they complained or seemed exasperated. God has given them what they didn't even realize they would need.

- For my bones to REGROW rapidly and the fusion to be successful.
I will not know how this is going til Feb 2. I'm excited for that xray.

- Protection from infection
Thankfully there have been no complications. It is wintertime and "bugs" are everywhere -- but not with me! Infection in the hospital is a scarry thing as well as what people "bring" into our home.

- Hospital staff to be alert and conscious of my needs.
My needs were met but I must say my overnight "angels" were my advocates. They were on task aggressively getting help for me. Hospital staff respond to a person standing in the hall saying -- "We need some help here"

- For God to be with Carissa. This is a new role for her.
I know Carissa is my daughter BUT I must say she has been UNBELIEVABLE. She has run the care and details seamlessly. I have no idea how much work has gone into this. I'm been oblivious. All I know is that I have had caregivers and meals showered on me.
Joy Chapman has juggled and rearranged the meals and my "tastes" fantastically. What great girls these are and how grateful I am for them.

- For God to use this in my life and teach me things about Himself that I would not learn otherwise.
His peace has been so strongly evident. My harpist friend came at the height of the hard hospital time. One of the songs that brought tears to Doug, Carissa and myself was---

ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT
Sleep my child and peace attend thee,
All through the night
Guardian angels God will send thee,
All through the night

God has mended my body with good sleep and kept me safe from harm through all this recovery.

- That I would not be afraid of the pain & that it would be manageable.
This happened. Yes there was pain but never more then was bearable or manageable.

- For good use of this down time & for my mind to be alert. (this may be totally off the chart but I'd like it!)
Well... not so sure about this one. Does cleaning drawers count for good use of down time? My mind.... well it's still not what I'd like but perhaps it never has been :)

- Protection of my back bones during surgery. Some places that will be getting the screws are now very narrow. Pray my bones will hold screws in place.
I love the doctors words after the surgery --"Cheryl, you're lying on a home run". What a neat visual picture of the answer to our prayers.

- That we would be a “light” in the hospital and for an opportunity to perhaps minister to others who are going through what we are. The hospital ONLY does orthopedic and spine surgery.
We did not have contact with other patients but there are ones on the horizon that I am meeting who are scheduled for "my surgery". We have already established relationships so God will not waste any of this.

- Patience for me. The recovery will be very slow – months. The progress will not always be noticeable. I will need to be a plodder.
I'm plodding and at times wish I could scurry around and take care of things here. Putting pants on is time consuming as well as socks. I can't just jump into your "day clothes" of sweat pants. I must use a "grabber" and pull and maneuver one leg at a time. Oh bother!!

Well this is much longer then I thought it would be. I have revisited these pre-op prayers as much for myself as for you all. SOOOOOO much to cheer for and be grateful for. I hope these encourage you as much as they have me. You all are my angels doing the "hard" work behind the scenes praying for me. I'm not done yet... so don't stop!

I love you all and love that you're taking time to do some blogspotting.

My Mt Everest

I've tried to come up with a mental/visual picture of recovery. I am leaning toward Mt Everest or a Marathon. It you are a marathon runner - please excuse my likening my trip to yours. Yours is much more heroic!

I am resting well at night (yea meds) which has given me more energy for the next day. I've moved from mega narcotics to more gentle narcotics. There is still regular and persistent pain but not nearly what it was. I still remember being in the hospital and the docs coming in asking how I felt! Good Grief -- what an unnecessary question. My response -- MY BACK HURTS. Wonder what they expected me to say!

If this "trip" is Mt Everest -- I think I'm at Base Camp 1. There are many things I cannot do but there are also things that I have energy to do. I have had enough energy to straighten the silverware drawer and spice cabinet. Sounds fun huh? It is purposeful and that makes me happy.

My first post op visit with the surgeon will be 2 weeks from Monday - Feb 2. At that time they will xray my spine and see how the bone graft is going. I would love to see some visual evidence that is is working. Don't know if I told you that my incision is about 20" long. It travels the length of almost my entire spine. Pretty incredible. Did I ever tell you what this hardware feels like? When I lay on my back it feels like I'm laying on an abacus board or a bed of marbles. I kind of feel like a turtle with this stuff on my back that doesn't really feel like it is part of me but which goes with me everywhere. The rods are stainless steel and will stay with me forever. I can't wait til I go through my 1st time at airport security. Maybe this will break up theTSA folks from their constant bantering with each other! I am told that in a year I will be able to touch my toes -- bending from the waist. Since I have never been able to touch my toes, I am somewhat skeptical but it would be fun. I am told that tying my shoes will eventually be doable but from where I am now I can't believe that.

I hope I haven't bored you too much. This part of recovery is pretty lackluster -- just plodding and pushing and doing a little something more each day. Wonder what cabinet or drawer I can work on next. The glitch is that the only things I can work on must be at waist height :)

The Life of a Love Slave

Before now I have never had the privilege of having my own love slave. I have one of the best. The job description is extensive and sometimes not suited to people full of the "Y" chromosome. My love slave signed on for this task many years ago -- 42 to be exact. This year he began in earnest to exercise those skills and has done a fantastic job. I think it has overwhelmed both of us just how much it takes to care for a person who is totally incapable of caring for themselves... kind of like a 64 year old baby! It has surprised both of us how sweet the time together has been. He has been on call all the time and has kept up with everything and me -- laundry, kp, serving breakfast, lunch, dinner, bathing me, reading, groceries (which can be totally overwhelming..... e.g. raisins do not have a designated grocery shelf spot etc), encouraging me, walking with me outside and on and on. He is so gentle and responsive to each little request. The early days home were so constant. He commented one night that his calfs hurt! No wonder, I must have called for him every 10 minutes.

Thank you for praying for BOTH of us. I look at these 4 weeks and marvel at how smooth they have been. They have been hard but very peaceful and happy. I comment almost daily how happy I am. I am surrounded by human love from Doug and all of you and I am surrounded by God's tender care of me. It is so easy to forget the "silent and invisible" care being given. I have taken God's care and goodness much too for granted. In this time of weakness I see His hands and strength coming in many forms and from many directions. It is a gift to me.

ACHES & PAINS OF RECOVERY

Today marks 3 weeks since surgery. Hard to believe yet I am very aware that I'm very far from where I will eventually be.
I am dealing with continual aches and pains - hips and shoulders. I imagine these are the places where there was the most surgical rearranging and they hurt all through the day. Relief comes somewhat when lying down BUT this is the position I should be in the least. Walking and standing and lastly sitting are the best. Hard to spend 12 hours walking and standing so I rotate between sitting, walking, lying, sitting, waking, sitting & walking. I was told that complete recovery would not be reached for 12 months. I will be functional before then but all will not be complete. I do not know how long until I feel comfortable -- hope it's soon.

You all in blogland have been the best. I love the comments and I love the emails. Unfortunately this will have to satisfy me for now regarding connecting with you. I still tire easily, even from phone calls. I don't stay on the line long. Visits are still restricted -- just too much for me right now. The cards have been so beautiful with such beautiful words. I don't think I have ever read and savored cards so much :)

Doug is doing well. He is such an encouragement. I love beginning my day with his smile and his kisses. We feel so blessed to be able to have this time together. Not many husbands are able to do what he is doing -- and we thank our dear church family and elders for this.

DATE WITH DOUG

Doctor's orders -- Doug and I are to go OUT for a meal together. I thought you can't be serious. I'm not even 3 weeks post op. So yesterday out we went. Many of you will be very happy with our food choices -- totally off the regime. Out choice was not so much the food as the accessibility of the front door, the crowd level and then the food. Our restaurant of choice was 5 Guys Burgers and Fries. YES!
WE chose against organic Thai just to make some of you happy that we had broken down at last. I had a juicy burger with the best fries in the world. If I had been Carissa I'd have had a great photo to make you all drool. After this we went beyond nutrition to a double chocolate yogurt cup. Is everyone happy with this?

The date started with learning to get into the car. Have you ever gotten into a car without moving your back - no twisting, bending etc? I'll let you ponder how to do it.

The drive was so familiar yet so lovely. The sky had the big puffy white clouds and lots of wind. I felt like a kid enjoying my senses.

My walking routine is 6x a day at least in my hallways is getting lackluster. The day was beautiful so we took off for Levelland Trail -- not the one in the mountains but the one outside my front door. The walk was so beautiful and so enjoyable.

As I knew rehab would be harder then signing the papers to agree to surgery. I wake up each morning aching knowing that most of the day will be the same way - achy. Everything is weak and trying to rebuild and the only way is to tax it and make it carry weight that it finds too much. I try different tricks to give myself gold stars. I write down each little hall walk, each rest period -- just things so that I see that I'm progressing. I am reminded that 3 weeks ago I could not roll over AT ALL in the hospital bed. Wish progress were like so much of life -- immediate. It is not and this process will be the long hard work of the whole thing.

As I look back on symptoms I was having but didn't realize what they were, I know now that my body was showing all the signs of collapsing. The doctor told us with all certainty that I would be wheelchair bound within 10 years and that breathing would be difficult and inadequate. I think of being in a wheelchair or worse confined to a bed to breath and know that whatever inconvenience and discomfort is minor compared to having a restricted life. I am so grateful to have humanly "stumbled" upon Dr. Horton (but divinely guided). My spine is one that the majority of ortho docs will not operate on. Dr. Horton is like a fighter pilot -- he only wants those that are challenges and that others won't touch. It is a great story of how I came to find him -- and I am so so grateful.

My "love-slave" (Doug) is fantastic. I've worked him pretty hard. The first couple days home his calfs burned from using the stairs at home so much. He is running things here so well -- all new stuff. He didn't even know where I kept clean sheets. He's been the pampered boy -- and now I'm getting to be the princess.

Pray for me to work hard and faithfully walking. It's not my favorite activity right now. Pray for the graft to be working and pray for me to slowly to be able to ween myself off the narcotics. I'm making progress with that but I'm not there yet -- too much discomfort still.

A Typical Day in Recovery

Thought you might be curious about what a day is like in recovery. They are beginning a sort of pattern. You won't find them all that exciting :) but they are good in that I know each day puts me closer to doing more and feeling better.

I turn in about 7ish. The pain in my lower left back is pretty crummy by this time of day. This is the location of where there was a severe curve. The curve was so sharp that the vertebrae had fused in a curve of their own accord. The surgeon used a tiny saw to disconnect this fusion so that he could straighten out the curve. It helps me to visualize the site to know why it hurts. Anyway, I turn in about 7 and sleep comes quickly thanks to pain meds. I'm getting up 1-2x on my own now in the middle of the night and take another pain med about midnight.

I awaken anywhere from 7-8 AM. I know that once I get up the routine will need to start and I'll need to be engaged movement. Most of that involves 6 times a day to walk the hall upstairs. I am quite weary after that. I also know I'm weary because I break out in a sweat! Doug makes me a protein rich breakfast. I am told that my recovery requires the protein that a cross country skiier uses. I eat an egg, lots of citrus fruits and other fruits, cottage cheese, sliced deli turkey/chicken, sliced deli cheese, milk,peanut butter, whole grain bread, etc. I'm avoiding empty calories as they fill me up but do nothing for me. I'm not consuming large quantities -- mainly several small mini meals.

A hightlight of the day is the shower Doug gives me. That wonderful warm water falling upon me is a little bit of heaven. Washing my hair is so great. Grooming is nonexistent. Amazing how much time one can save if all you have to do is get your skin and hair clean.

The rest of the day is more walking, doing a little on the computer, reading a page or two, more walking, sitting, more walking, taking a break and lying down and over and over. I think this is much of what the weeks ahead will look like. Not real exciting but honestly they wear me out and I don't have much energy left to do anything that I'd consider fun or productive. I can only reach things at waist level - nothing under a sink, nothing on a shelf -- just waist high.

I greatly appreciate the emails and blog comments. I read all of them but hope you understand why many are not responded to -- just too much umph required.

One day in the future I'm going to post what my spine looked like the night before surgery. It is not an xray - just my skin, It's pretty wild. I'll also take a pix of the new spine with incision. It is hard to grasp how this was done. I'd love to see a movie of the operation -- just not a movie of MY surgery.

I cannot thank you enough for praying so faithfully -- even when you don't hear from me personally. These are such encouragements to me and keep me pushing. I wouldn't have to "report" to blogland that I'd been a slackard :)

Brains & Encouragers

I'm finding each phase of recovery is unique. The first part is very physical. The stage I'm in now continues to be physical but is also mental. Arnold Isley had warned us that long surgeries/sedations rob your short term memory thus making reading a book not all that much fun. If I'm not determined, I'll sneek into a little time to stretch out on the bed and low and behold I've fallen asleep. So I vascilate between trying to prop my eye lids open with tooth picks and giving in to sleep. I foolishly thought I would be able to do some long term planning, yearly goals, priorities, choose a "WORD" for the rest of the year. Huh! I don't know what day it is unless I look at my watch :)

I'm getting around more and more. I walk the upstairs hall many times a day. How glad I am for Benjamin Petty's pansies. I linger at the top window looking at them. Last year there were no pansies - no water. They are so cheerful looking.

I'm close to weaning myself off of night help. I can manage the bathroom well enough to make it alone I believe. That is another little baby step. It still takes a large amount of energy and I get to the bathroom sweating from exertion. I can tell I have my work cut out for me when I'm released to exercise again. Speaking of exercise, I'll need to figure out what I can do with this since flexibility won't be there. I can walk and eventually swim but don't know what else. Right now the fun will be trying to put socks on my toes when I can barely reach my knees!! There are contraptions to help with this. Everything takes so long as many of you who have had surgery know. My time priorities will be about dressing and grooming. Eventually they'll get to include cooking. That will be so much fun. I have come to really appreciate good nutritious food - lots of bone building protein and the wonderful winter citrus. It tastes like a delicacy. Slowness helps one savor each bit.

Thank you so much for your blog comments and encouragements. I have been meaning to give you a wonderful definition of an"encourager" from Ruth Cowan. "An encourager" is one who INFUSES courage into another." I love this. It translates into so many areas of our lives. I have seen so well that ya'lls lavish praise, cheers, encouragements have made me WANT to do more. The opposite is true when you tell someone they'll not get where they want to be by not pushing .... you just don't want to try. SO for all you many many who have been my encouragers -- it has been what has pushed me when I'd rather stay under the covers.

Thank you again for your constant prayers. I still need them.

NEW YEARS DAY 2009

It is me this time! 2 weeks ago at this time I was being cut, crewed upon, sutured, intubated and who knows what else they did that they won't tell me. I really don't care because of what had been done for good for me.

Having never had any kind of surgery except a tonsilectony, I am profoundly wise regarding what "messing" with a body does to you. It is hard stuff -- but like much in life, the hard things make us stronger, more empathetic, and ultimately more useful. I do not feel useful right now - quite the contrary but I feel that I have been carrying around a weight of body abnormality that was wearing me down withut even realizing it. For instance my lung capacity was decreasing and I couldn't figure out why I was requiring more sleep at night and why I tired easily. I'll never be a Patty Taylor, but I'd at least like to be the Cheryl of the past.

I'm trying to be up and around more -- least 6 tiny walks within the house a day. Doesn't sound like much but It wears me out. Today we went outside for the 2nd time in 3 days- just down the driveway. I wore my famous red coat and was so happy to be warm inside with sunshine on my face.

I am still not really mentally fluid - reading is a challenge. I just can't handle much more then Calvin and Hobbs.

Someone asked what it feels like to be surrounded and covered in prayer. It feels peaceful. I liken it to being carried :). There is no fear. Each time I look at my next challenge - even simple ones like using the stairs or putting on pants I say -- Cheryl!!! look from where you have come? I lay down and begin remembering the ways each new challenge has been met. I have done many things that I felt a week or so ago were impossible. These are things like getting out of bed unassisted -- OUCH, still very very hard because my back must not bend at all. Other things are rolling over in bed with no muscles to make it happen. We have treasured the quiet and stillness. It is priceless and such a teacher. I feel my senses have been heightened in every direction -- the blowing of leaves, the juice exploding out of a clementine, my bedside music -- simple, soft and pure, the sun's rising and setting, sunshine on my check. It is so easy to miss the pure and lovely and quiet things in our loud, rushed, ruckous world. I am grateful for the gift of slowness, quietness, time to appreciate and reflect. These are good medicine to my soul as well.

I'm glad to be back in blogland. I probably won't post as much as Carissa has -- just not enough energy yet for that.

Thank you all who read this 1st for your prayers -- many of you did it coupled with prayer and fasting. Thank you tangible ways of caring for us -- and especially being available in prayer and every way for Doug. In many ways his job is harder then mine. I just have to keep at it -- he has to see me hurt and see my limitations. I can see in his eyes how hard it is to be the "other" one. He has been incredible. Absolutely incredible. I think our 1st week home I called him every 10 minutes -- I need water, I need to roll over, I need to go the bathroom, I'm hot can you put socks on me, I'm cold, can you pull the quilt up. I need, I need, I need, I need.......

Doug will be at church Sunday -- happy day for him. Debbie and I will listen to a previous message on the computer. Fun huh.

Thank you so much dear dear ones everywhere.